Where I need to be (hopefully with some help from some Finns!)

So this weekend I had my son over to visit from Finland (well, Friday to Tuesday, in fact). I met him & my ex at Heathrow at lunchtime on Friday & straight away he recognised me. I saw the smile on his face & my heart melted straight away - as it always does when I see him. Whilst his mum went outside for a cigarette we had a little chat & caught up. I use the term 'chat' loosely as it consisted of me talking to him & him saying random real & made-up words back to me, including "Diddle" which is his word for Daddy. He also used the time to show me his nose-picking skills that his Grandpa has taught him for some reason. His mum is constantly at odds with him trying to get him to stop, as was I over the weekend, but he just finds it hilarious & thinks it's a big game.

The coach trip back down south was made quite easy by the fact I'd bought my iPad & Beats headphones & loaded Cars on to it (his current obsession). He sat quietly with me for a while & then went & sat next to his mum to flit between the film & random levels of Angry Birds - or 'ankka' to him which is Finnish for 'duck' & what he calls every bird he sees & shouts repeatedly when he wants to play on the iPad.

Despite seeing him 2-3 time a week on Skype, I was still so surprised at how much he'd grown & how his personality was now really starting to shine.

During the visit we stayed at my mum's & our days were spent visiting friends & family, as well as visits to Poole Park, Gus Gorilla's, Bournemouth Oceanarium & the local swings on the Monday when the last few days had finally caught up with him & he was too shattered to really do anything (as was I).

Unlike other visits here or on my visits to Finland, the ex & I arranged to go out for some dinner one night. I'm not sure we've actually sat down together properly & shared a proper meal/drink/conversation in nearly 3 years. Since the end of last year we've been getting on a lot better - having the odd chat & sharing a few jokes, stories etc when we're on Skype & via GMail. So going out for dinner seemed like a good idea - it gave me a few hours break & meant she didn't have to spend the evening eating alone at the hotel or somewhere in town. All in all, it was a great night. It was like the old days in Australia (where we'd originally met & lived together). We cleared the air, had some interesting & funny conversations & shared plenty of jokes. This was the woman I'd fallen in love with on that warm night at Durty Nelly's in Perth all those years ago. & despite our problems over the years, I knew this side of her was still in there somewhere. It was great to catch up properly over a couple of Guinness' after dinner. It felt like catching up with an old friend. I sincerely hope we can keep things like this between us as it's a great place for us both to be in, & the benefits for Pessi are surely immeasurable.

Over those 5 days my bond with Pessi, & the understanding between us, increased more than I could have ever hoped. He constantly asked after me when I wasn't in the room "DIDDLE! DIDDLE!", & seemed to take in what I was saying to him & would respond accordingly. Kisses went from being scarce, to being an almost hourly thing in the end - including numerous world record challenges where he would come in for a kiss & stay there until I nearly passed out, which would include his cheeky tactic of grabbing my cheeks or ears so I couldn't get away!

As it's apparent from my previous blog posts (if you've been good enough to read them), my heart is most certainly in Finland. I've spent the last +2 years travelling too & from, as well as applying for tens if not hundreds of jobs every single week. All to no avail so far. My dream of moving there has never wained, but this weekend has just gone on to reinforce it even further - to the point where I've been sat here contemplating how I could possibly move there without a job & get by (something I always previously said I wouldn't do).

I'm now starting to believe that I could sit here for the next 5 years & apply for every job going in Finland & I wouldn't be successful - all the while missing out on precious time with Pessi - seeing him grow, develop & learn new things on a daily basis. So now begins the serious deliberations & planning to see if I could possibly get over there in the coming months without a job & with little money (as all my spare money at the moment goes on flights, hotels, visits etc). So if there is any good person out there (obviously in Helsinki or Espoo) that has a spare room, sofa, bathtub, rug on the floor, going, please get in touch. I'm not going to be in the position to fork out a deposit for somewhere formally myself, so I think I'm going to have to try & crash somewhere until I can find a job & have an income etc.

If there's any one out there that can help (even if it's just some words of wisdom or a potential lead), please do feel free to get in touch. You'd make at least these two people very, very happy!